I am done, smoking gun.

Putting back 'A Special Providence' to my little bookshelf and slowly, very slowly choosing another book, all the emotions that I've managed to muster get bewildered.

I just finished soaking myself in a second world war story and soon I'm gonna explore another different world, it also means my holiday entertainment just got cut down to a countable number.

Diagnosis: another Tuesday night with insomnia.

With the dim tinge of disorientation lingering in the damp atmosphere, I am losing something I can't quite recognise, bit by bit. I can't help thinking what would have happened in my life if the word "what if" could prove its significant existence.

If I insisted to continue my art lesson, may be I can be a happy painter one day.

If I had a big brother who can teach my basketball or some lame pick up lines, may be masturbation wouldn't be a very sinful thing afterall.

If I had a patient tomorrow, I wouldn't be holding my warm milk around 2am, listening to my new favourite singer.

If I never spent 6 years in a boarding school, right now my heart would be pounding frantically at the thought of going home this weekend.

If I can be less sentimental, who knows I'll have a wider acquaintance.

Now I am aware, I am losing the sense of reality.

Exactly.

Sophomore, such a beautiful word, like sapphire.
I think these two words are equally valuable. Not only they sound sexy they are intelligent too.

In Freshmen Year everybody was like-just-light-cured-composite. Some are rough some are as absorbable as the radical oxygen layer ready to be filled in with every raw thing and some are already very pretty(this is so totally not me).

Come to Sophomore Year. After a whole year of polishing everybody get so close with everybody we shrink into one piece. We are so ready to shine like a sapphire in the coming future, naively.

I got so chagrined to learn that the next year is called Final Year and I've only accomplished less than 10 restorations how could it be final? I name the third year Valour Year. We need to get rid of any stymie or dummy and treat REAL patient ok. And we practise many challenging stunts.

It's very despondent not able to write something brilliant at the age of 22 and still bemoaning in my self pity. The 18 years old me can find the flaw in Newton Third Law (i was such a cool kid); now my bed time story is Sex and The City (manwhore alert!).

Devolution. Like how the old handphone dai gor dai developed into tiny handphone and recently transformed into my face-sized Galaxy Tab. It's a sign. One day contact lens will be so obsolete and my 6 years old nerdy specs will be the fashion icon again.

What an emo entry! What can I say. Everybody got so busy soaking themselves in the romantic Valentine Day and I'm staying in my room sharing this with my only viewer chelseaorange, and youtubing Apple Bottom Jeans Dance. I got so low low low low low low...

"They gave up days and weeks of their lives, addicted to someone else's drama."-Tuesday with Morrie. (so damn true.but it's ok.teenagers are supposed to be fun, and stupid.)

I'm not a fun guy.

You know when you're supposed to focus on phagocytosizing your notes but you have the congenital procrastinator disorder, this is the time when your imagination comes alive and bring you to the universe.
If the condition is chronic enough you might be able to recall how much money you owe the girl who sits next to you and what have you done right after the second year final exam.

I can remember clearly what I did right after my major exam last year. Or few months back.

Ok I cleaned my room. And filed up my notes.
These are the SAME two things that I do EVERYTIME the liberty bell rings.

Somehow it confuses me how do those people manage to go out after exam. It's not like I am THAT fatigue but I always end up cleaning my room and notes and go to bed when the dawn breaks the serene horizon.

I remembered Melvin once said this to me when he came back from Redang Trip after the 2nd year final : Harrr you stay in your room ONLY for so maaaaaaany days? Not sien(boring) meh?

No la I did go down to cafe for meals.

*KK asked me the same question few hours ago. And I curi-curi edited his photo HAHA :)

Yes I guess you're right. I'm really really really(3 times!) a vapid teenager.
Staying in my room and read my story books and watched my favourite shows, so far that was the closest to the best time of my life.
See.

Go out with friends la or eat some cheese cakes or inhale the delightful oxygen in shopping mall la!
Uhh.neh!
I already spent a lot of time for exam and my nerve impulses were maintained at the plateau level for few months that's insane.
I need time for myself. Like a mini meditation but not that spiritual or ethical.

Like..spending time to know more about yourself. Then may be you get bored then you watch porn and masturbate. That's COMPLETELY fine. After that you continue your rumination about forgiveness and love.

Or like..You read others' blogs and discover the other human beings on the other side of the earth. Not necessary have to go out and catch the latest movie in cinema. OMG i'm so antisocial.

*I want to watch this movie - Natalie Portman's Black Swan!!!

And like..(Oh this is my favourite!) Imagine how're you going to meet your future wife. Is it like you running your finger across those book spines in an ancient library and there is another lovely lady with plaits doing the exact same thing from the opposite site and finally two fingers stop at the same book and you two exchange a small grin?(but if the book is Fight Club then probably i'll take the book and run HAHAHAHA)

*FYI that is Audrey Hepburn

Or you're licking your favourite icecream in a joyful beach together with your adopted son and then your little cute son goes make friend with a little cute girl who is sitting with her very young mother at the bench next to yours.

Told you. Imagination brings you to travel the infinite universe especially during exam period.

Time to study!

My armpits cold sweat when I get nervous

(not a very pleasant title isn't it?)

Like during my first clinic session I went to the washroom every 0.5 minutes (to *ahem-dry my armpits-ahem*) before my patient show up.
Part of me was praying harder than usual hoping he wouldn't turn up. Well. All I can say is my dream came true, eventually.
(he skipped my dental appointment twice and the only time he came i waited for one and a half hour. Now i'm praying for a new and punctual patient)

Like when Aimee asked me to try the pendulum stunt this Thursday. I was incredibly ecstatic and my armpits were cold sweating in sync -___________-
After watching the video and I came across this comment : Did the cheerleader die?
*sorry i need to stop typing. My hand is busy looking for tissue papers again

Like when I imagine the restorationS (yes i need to emphasize the S) that I'm going to try this Friday..oh poor soul.
I've never done any restoration on REAL patient yet NOT EVEN ONCE! How am I gonna do six restorations in 2 and a half hours?
Are you armpit cold sweating?

Oh yeah you bet!

This reminded me that I have oral radio practical next Tuesday and Dr Sham asked me (very specific ME) to memorize the angulation.

It's Christmas.Again.

I love Christmas. Everyone does.

In fact I used to sit by the window sill on Christmas morning to check whether God will show His mercy and miracle by giving Malaysia a white christmas.
As much as I can remember I never had any white Christmas so let's keep our fingers and toes crossed.

Eventually the absence of snow doesn't bother me anymore ever since Harry Potter first joined my Christmas with his sorcerer's stone.

Somehow I invited Harry Potter and his gang to my Christmas Night every year and we enjoyed the magic movies together, but my guests always sat opposite me and squeezed their asses in a small electronic box.

I guess this is their Hogwarts courtesy.

There is rumour spreading around saying Neville Longbottom is a catch and Hermione Granger finally get rid of her puffy hair.

I'll ask them 3 weeks later.

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time.
Merry Christmas people.

(Oh that's my room door isn't it beautiful?)

I find myself terribly gauche

How I wish I were him

Since the frequency of me gnawing my day off by facebooking is getting higher and higher.
Not to mention the butt shape stain left on my chair.

The weather's been so crazy and I barely move my ass.
Despite the fact that everyone is hanging out with everyone it doesn't pull me out from my alone-yet-not-lonely imaginary world.
This debilitating lifestyle I'm leading isn't healthy.

Friends like to tell me their stories.
Well I'm everybody's confidant I know.
Okay now you have a problem with that statement. Don't give me that look.

"If I want to play with you then I'll bring you to cemetery and watch Psycho there. And if I don't want to fuck around with you, then I guess I'll smash your ass when you try to high five me."

I answered my friend callously when he told me all his kindergarten friendship problems that he 's been dealing with.

That is my solution.

Asshole.I know.I am.

My dad always asked me to make friends with everyone.
Who knows you might need them one day.
Oh well I don't think I will live that long on earth.
Come on cancer is everywhere nowadays. Plus that Superbacteria already started building up its fame.
Why bother smiling to people that you don't want to hang out with?
Just tell them there is always some other nicer people who will appreciate them.
And if I really have problem next time then I'll suck it up.

At least I'm a nano better than those who told me every single bad thing about the other human whom you give him your fake sweet grin every morning.

What a contumely huh.

This is not a piece of paradigm that would promise you a better life.
Just my another shit that refused to come out from my anal.

Bastard.I know.I am.

Let me be nice for once.
Blake Lively! The temperature outside is nothing.

These Romantic comedies.

They make me wanna cook a pot of loving relationship so ruthlessly to throttle the deadpan celibacy.

Because it's not THAT easy to hunt down THE ONE during the ocean of stranger.
Hence I was flummoxed and made a dramatic decision that night.

The next morning I woke up early and spruced up myself.
I rubbed the soap vigorously on my skin, hoping every spore will absorb the tinge of fragrance.
Not too soft but not too showy.
I chose the most marvelous shirt I ever had.
Gel my hair.
Cover my acne.
And way before everything I did some push up to obtrude the muscle.
Yes I am that kind of..whatever you call it.

After that I grabbed my books and mp4.
Oh yes bookish and vibrant!
And of course I changed my nerdy specs before leaving the house.

Feeling the morning fresh breeze I told myself nonchalantly:
Everything is just gonna be fine.

I got a table in library and started reading Local Anesthesia.
The Hannah Montana songs were playing in my mp4.
It reminded me of those hilarious scenes of Miley and Jackson.
And Lily and Oliver.
Then I burst into laughter.

Play cool man. Stop smirking!
No gawky ogrish scraggly thing. Not today!
Okay come back come back.
.
..
...

Then I look at my watch.

Oh man...
I got myself lost in the book for few hours.
And I forgot about my mission completely.
I closed the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.(HAHAHA)

I went back to my room.
And here I am writing down my pathetic pantomime.

It's okay.
Those people in the movies always had 4287650 lovers before THE ONE.
Even Prince Philip also had to killed the Maleficent before he kissed Princess Aurora.

Tomorrow is gonna be a fairy tale.