Saturday, January 18, 2014

Hiding behind the tree, hoping you won't see me

Because in life, too many people try to tell you what they think is right, and you feel obliged to pretend to agree or nod at what they say although you never asked for their opinions. As they rattle on and on about shits that nobody cares about anymore, we smile and listen, hoping they would finally notice the sweetest silence in our eyes.

We all have our own uniquely odd way to twirl in the mist. Every morning when we open our eyes, we breathe and try to do our best at whatever we are good at, we do things that make us happy. Some people think the best way to have fun is to go wild and swallow down the expensive alcohol the bartender makes and scream through the noisy music (been there done that, meh it's not for me).

I am a big nerd, probably the king of them. Working with kids is my best way to have fun, I spent my public holiday flipping through pages of physiology book because I want to be good at what I do. Or a sad movie, I like sad movie. Steven said I shouldn't mix up my work with my personal life. I didn't tell him this, but my work is personal, when parents allow you to treat their precious children, when patients trust you to extract every tooth in their mouth, mobile or not, it's personal to me. Seeing them walk down the dental chair with gratitude and relief, it's personal to me. Seeing them crying and screaming on the dentail chair, it's personal to me.
I open my eyes in the morning and realise, I am more of a Izzie Steven less of Cristina Yang. And I take pride in that.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

A pile of lies and secrets

They say, new year is a good thing, it's a beautiful chance to leave everything that was holding you back behind and then you start fresh, set your goal, take a leap of faith, like a baby bird flipping its wings for the first time. Some people feed on the hopes and dreams that a new year brings them, and they thrive, they try.
The truth is, I don't agree with that..spirit. My sadness, my fear, my despair shouldn't be limited in a time frame, I still need all of them in the future. I don't wanna be done with it, my failure pushes me strong, my dismay moves me forward, sometimes even backward. Every bit of it is as important as the moisturizer I apply on my face every day.

I don't want a specific date or time, to decide for me if it's time to get out of my bed and gain some weight. I will come clean when I am ready, I will reveal the secrets when I am prepared. In the mean time, I wanna hold on to the ashes and try to learn something while I drown.
In this new year, let's cry a little.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

I am happy

For the past 2 weeks I woke up at 7.00am, went to work, and left the hospital after 5.30pm.It is a new schedule, plus the difficulty of settling down in a new town, remembering every new roads and familiarizing myself with different patient charting system, I didn't have time to sit down and just stay blank (we all know zoning out is a big part of my life).
Teluk Intan is my latest favourite small town.It's so magical everything is within 10 mins driving distance,no matter which direction you are coming from and which direction you are going to. And having one of my best friends as my colleague and housemate is just.. fabulous. Aimee and I enjoy cooking our own dinner everyday after work; while others might still be in the traffic jam on their way home, we have the time to finish our dinner and hang the colourful christmas light bulbs. At the end of the day, we climb to bed at 10pm, in our own bedroom.

I can say this loud and proud, right now I am at this page of my life where I have everything I want.I am genuinely happy for what I have, and what I am.

Friday, November 1, 2013

As I watch my histories unfold

Life sometimes feels like a place of infinity, filled with all sorts of chances and changes. But it surprises me (in a bad way) that when I look at myself, I have not done much at all, and the key is still hanging on the door knob, with the door to Narnia remains locked. Sitting here in front of my laptop, if I could go inside this magical window and peek, I wonder how many people out there are living behind the screens and asking the same question?

We are a generation so spoiled with having choices. If there isn't any options left for us, very likely we will lose the definition that represents us. I am a spoiled kid, yes I am. When my friends are taking advantage of the holidays to earn some pocket money, I wake up every day at 10am to various choices of breakfast, chicken rice or wan tan mee, fresh orange juice or milk, mango or banana. I don't have to worry much about starting my job before December so I will get the bonus or if my initial salary is enough for my monthly expenses, I grew up with choices, lots of them. See, I am spoiled.

When I was 13 I couldn't wait to be 16 because it seems like a number that will make everything less stressful; and when I reached 16 I dreamed of turning 20, the age when you can call yourself young adult, so much sexier. And then one day, like may be right now, 24, I am 24, fuck I am getting old. So instead of embracing my sense of age and wisdom, I start looking for anti-aging products.I don't want to have wrinkles or partial dentures, or have my testicles dropped. I know where they put the papaya, tomato, lemon in tesco, something about being anti-oxidants. I know La Roche Posay because they produce this anti-aging cream which I bought one from Paris for my mum and I end up using it a little.

I seem to be constantly fighting and not just accepting, but somehow I am glad that I am 24, the age when I will fall on the floor and have my face scratched, hopefully I will fight hard enough in someway to stay alive (and young).
How about my door to Narnia? I don't know, I will deal with it later. Now, cake for dessert, or fruits?

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Placated with platitudes

"About Me", we human being have to answer to that topic at least once in our life time, either in your first English essay, or on the first page of your hello kitty journal which was bespangled with lots of..stuff.
I thought I didn't have to answer that question anymore when I said bye to primary school, because honestly I didn't know much about myself, I still don't. I always stay blank for a while whenever I see the About Me column on my Facebook profile or my blogspot profile. What do I know about me?
24 years old, what exactly do I know about me? Is this uncertainty causing me to rant more than any young adult does? Is it because I am not remotely close to knowing myself, that's why I don't feel as happy as my peers appear to be? So, what is wrong?
Many are surprised when I told them I chose Sabah as one of my job posting options.
Yes I am willing to travel THAT FAR for my job. Yes I am leaving my family for another two years.
Honestly I am quite surprised too, that most of you are going back to where you come from.
At this young age, I am.. i am a sponge, I am ready to absorb everything that life throws at me. I want to go out there, to search for adventure, to discover all the possible ways to live one's life, to write stories that I know I will never regret, to look into the many parts of me that I am not sure of.

Why not? Why not Sabah?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

In the age of libertarianism

To be honest I just googled what does "libertarianism" mean. It's a political philosophy that advocates the minimal intervention of someone's life. In my simpler word, it means freedom. It's about your right to put multiple layers of peanut butter on your bread, your right to sneak out at night and make out with stranger, your right to stop at this point of your life and take your time to decide which step to take next.
When I was traveling around Europe, I woke up everyday thinking "it's a brand new day, who am I gonna be today?". That's the magic, I think, everyday smells like a new piece of couture. And you have the right to get lost in a new city completely, without the small voice screaming "read the map properly you stupid you shouldn't have done the same mistake twice" in your head. When I travel, everyday is a clean slate. And at night, I sat alone in the kitchen at 2am, noted down my stupid thoughts on the new city.

Traveling is a state of mind, it is not about getting the right train to your destination in the shortest time or capture every corner of the city in less than 24 hours. It's more than that! Don't drag your body around the city in a hurry, don't go back to your room at the end of the day and fall asleep right after you posted a photo of yourself on FB, don't wake up the next morning and try to complete your "task" on your itinerary.
They said I trust people easily, too naive, that I shouldn't randomly make conversation with the 27 years old French I just met in sauna, or offer Chocolate to the 22 years old German who sat next to me on the train, that I should be more cautious.
Humanity is beautiful, that's what I think.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Just one drifter, off to see the world

July is here, somewhere in between preparing for my final exam and finding love, the weather's changed. I didn't manage to walk away from campus with a great love, but I found the library instead, right before my graduation.

Liking the idea of library didn't make me a regular student who visits the library as frequent as I would love to. Once a month, I dare say, alright may be not even that often. Losing something important before the grand final has made my room a depressing place to stay or to do anything else, very much haunted, I picked up my books and went to library.
Walking around the library just to search for my perfect spot, I was the Alice who found the wonderland. It's the tranquility, but also the brisk whisper; it's the unorganized shades of book covers, but it's also the silent agreement on not invading each other's personal sphere; I was alone, but not lonely.

I have been living between my room and library for the past 3 weeks. Sometimes I just go there to rest, write letters, and watch movies. I would love to make new friends in library, may be go out for coffee and share stories, that will be great. (Easier said than done, how often do you say hello to strangers sitting next to you, without freaking them out)

Somewhere in between indulging myself in library and chasing after the wind, I am myself again, the better version of course.