Placated with platitudes

"About Me", we human being have to answer to that topic at least once in our life time, either in your first English essay, or on the first page of your hello kitty journal which was bespangled with lots of..stuff.

I thought I didn't have to answer that question anymore when I said bye to primary school, because honestly I didn't know much about myself, I still don't. I always stay blank for a while whenever I see the About Me column on my Facebook profile or my blogspot profile. What do I know about me?

 

24 years old, what exactly do I know about me? Is this uncertainty causing me to rant more than any young adult does? Is it because I am not remotely close to knowing myself, that's why I don't feel as happy as my peers appear to be? So, what is wrong?
Many are surprised when I told them I chose Sabah as one of my job posting options.
Yes I am willing to travel THAT FAR for my job. Yes I am leaving my family for another two years.
Honestly I am quite surprised too, that most of you are going back to where you come from.

At this young age, I am.. i am a sponge, I am ready to absorb everything that life throws at me. I want to go out there, to search for adventure, to discover all the possible ways to live one's life, to write stories that I know I will never regret, to look into the many parts of me that I am not sure of.

Why not? Why not Sabah?

In the age of libertarianism

To be honest I just googled what does "libertarianism" mean. It's a political philosophy that advocates the minimal intervention of someone's life. In my simpler word, it means freedom. It's about your right to put multiple layers of peanut butter on your bread, your right to sneak out at night and make out with stranger, your right to stop at this point of your life and take your time to decide which step to take next.

When I was traveling around Europe, I woke up everyday thinking "it's a brand new day, who am I gonna be today?". That's the magic, I think, everyday smells like a new piece of couture. And you have the right to get lost in a new city completely, without the small voice screaming "read the map properly you stupid you shouldn't have done the same mistake twice" in your head. When I travel, everyday is a clean slate. And at night, I sat alone in the kitchen at 2am, noted down my stupid thoughts on the new city.

Traveling is a state of mind, it is not about getting the right train to your destination in the shortest time or capture every corner of the city in less than 24 hours. It's more than that! Don't drag your body around the city in a hurry, don't go back to your room at the end of the day and fall asleep right after you posted a photo of yourself on FB, don't wake up the next morning and try to complete your "task" on your itinerary.
They said I trust people easily, too naive, that I shouldn't randomly make conversation with the 27 years old French I just met in sauna, or offer Chocolate to the 22 years old German who sat next to me on the train, that I should be more cautious.

Humanity is beautiful, that's what I think.

Just one drifter, off to see the world

July is here, somewhere in between preparing for my final exam and finding love, the weather's changed. I didn't manage to walk away from campus with a great love, but I found the library instead, right before my graduation.

Liking the idea of library didn't make me a regular student who visits the library as frequent as I would love to. Once a month, I dare say, alright may be not even that often. Losing something important before the grand final has made my room a depressing place to stay or to do anything else, very much haunted, I picked up my books and went to library.

Walking around the library just to search for my perfect spot, I was the Alice who found the wonderland. It's the tranquility, but also the brisk whisper; it's the unorganized shades of book covers, but it's also the silent agreement on not invading each other's personal sphere; I was alone, but not lonely.

I have been living between my room and library for the past 3 weeks. Sometimes I just go there to rest, write letters, and watch movies. I would love to make new friends in library, may be go out for coffee and share stories, that will be great. (Easier said than done, how often do you say hello to strangers sitting next to you, without freaking them out)

Somewhere in between indulging myself in library and chasing after the wind, I am myself again, the better version of course.

I am a writer

Ok fine, may be not yet. But it sounds more intelligent than "I am a dentist", don't you think so? I have been thinking of taking a writing class, or go to a community college where I only need to pay 2 dollars for school fee, sounds good to me.

When I was in primary school, every year the teacher asked us what do you want to be when you grow up? Everyone wanted to be teacher and the top 3 students wanted to be lawyer. If you weren't in the top 3 and if you said you want to be a lawyer, (scoff) be careful kid! I wanted to be a painter, not that you asked.

I was 14, after the unpleasant incident with my dad regarding his son getting too involved with colour papers, I decided, I want to be a writer. My primary school teacher used to ask me to read my essay in front of the whole class, to humiliate me I guess, because it was too "whimsical".

"I like your imagination dear but why can't you just write normally like how I taught you to? Tell the class how did you describe your kite in the essay."
Sigh.
"The wind roared like a fearless lion, and the sky has never been this colourful. I can see my kite up there, dancing like a lady ghost with full head of lengthy white hair."
Everyone laughed, till today.

Sometimes your dreams don't just vanish because you chose a 5 years relationship with dentistry. Some people don't do well with goodbye, they simply never let go. They are the braver dreamers, or the stupid one if you take your view from the other side.
I wait. It has been too long I am not even sure if my sentences are still coherent; I wait, probably there is just another endless tunnel at the other end and I am dancing my way into a complete darkness. I wait, because I don't say goodbye, I never let go.

And they say, giving up is the easy way out?

Today. Yes today.

I completed the last written paper of my final exam for Bachelor of Dental Surgeon (yes I have to write the full title, after 5 years of study it is mandatory to write the whole thing), but that's if I pass the exam.

Surprisingly the preparation was not as torturing as I thought it would be.See, my friend and I decided to start preparing for final paper once we finished celebrating New Year, and there was Dental Dinner, and then there was clinical quota war. I ended up preparing for my exam.. 3 weeks ago.
And if I don't pass my exam, we all know the reason, pretty clear.

Back to study break, it was fun. Jeannette and I had fun pretending we were in Paris; and there was my daily coffee with Sex and The City time (boy I ended up finishing 30 plus episodes in 2 weeks, don't you dare holding this against me);every day I dressed up nicely to library, just to see how neanderthal other people were, with the facial hair and sad faces. People, I cannot stress this enough, looking good on the outside will definitely helps you build up better study spirit and confidence, you only need 10 minutes in the morning to feel better for the rest of the day, it is a good investment in critical time like this. Don't look all pathetic and miserable when you study, your textbooks will never like you, the feeling is mutual.

Ok I am going to enjoy my week before preparing for practical exam and case presentation. Have fun!

We grow up

This is the best part, all the things that you dreamed of becoming, they came true. After surviving/or halfway through this impossible journey of turning into youth, tell yourself you deserve it, all of it. It may not be glorious, but we have tried our best to take whatever we were given, and slowly figured things out. Some people are being extraordinary slow in the process and but it's alright, you'll get there.

Painful? Yes.
Joy? May be.

But a love without pain is the kind of love that doesn't worth having. Hold your courage and expand it, walk out from the cliche, bring yourself back to the origin, the most exciting and challenging of all, the love for yourself.

I only had one post in April

Damn it. But there was so many things to talk about, like my circumcision, or my new bunny, or even my car accident.
Will I get into all those things that I just mentioned? May be, may be not.

In the beginning of my final year I made a decision to change things a little, not because I need material to talk about over reunion dinner with high school friends and steal all the attention to myself, I need to simply change a little.
A good change or a bad change? Honestly I don't think one can justify it.

We change, your breakfast or underwear or facebook profile picture, because we think the new one will suit us more, although it's bound to meet colourful comments from the audience.
Who says it has to be brighter? May be changing into a worse shape will help you tremendously in finding whatever you are looking for in many unexpected ways. Self-improvement is not the only bitch who wants to help alright.

Be arrogant, be an ass, go talk behind people back, bitch slap your bf's ex, it's acceptable.
Be caring, be a helpful person, offer your face when somebody needs to scratch something.

And when we're all done with that, find a stronger direction to morph into, the neutral zone. Because at some point we have to believe the beauty of our flaws, we will always be a partially-broken-not-quite-formed person. And there is nothing wrong with that.