I am a writer

Ok fine, may be not yet. But it sounds more intelligent than "I am a dentist", don't you think so? I have been thinking of taking a writing class, or go to a community college where I only need to pay 2 dollars for school fee, sounds good to me.

When I was in primary school, every year the teacher asked us what do you want to be when you grow up? Everyone wanted to be teacher and the top 3 students wanted to be lawyer. If you weren't in the top 3 and if you said you want to be a lawyer, (scoff) be careful kid! I wanted to be a painter, not that you asked.

I was 14, after the unpleasant incident with my dad regarding his son getting too involved with colour papers, I decided, I want to be a writer. My primary school teacher used to ask me to read my essay in front of the whole class, to humiliate me I guess, because it was too "whimsical".

"I like your imagination dear but why can't you just write normally like how I taught you to? Tell the class how did you describe your kite in the essay."
Sigh.
"The wind roared like a fearless lion, and the sky has never been this colourful. I can see my kite up there, dancing like a lady ghost with full head of lengthy white hair."
Everyone laughed, till today.

Sometimes your dreams don't just vanish because you chose a 5 years relationship with dentistry. Some people don't do well with goodbye, they simply never let go. They are the braver dreamers, or the stupid one if you take your view from the other side.
I wait. It has been too long I am not even sure if my sentences are still coherent; I wait, probably there is just another endless tunnel at the other end and I am dancing my way into a complete darkness. I wait, because I don't say goodbye, I never let go.

And they say, giving up is the easy way out?

Today. Yes today.

I completed the last written paper of my final exam for Bachelor of Dental Surgeon (yes I have to write the full title, after 5 years of study it is mandatory to write the whole thing), but that's if I pass the exam.

Surprisingly the preparation was not as torturing as I thought it would be.See, my friend and I decided to start preparing for final paper once we finished celebrating New Year, and there was Dental Dinner, and then there was clinical quota war. I ended up preparing for my exam.. 3 weeks ago.
And if I don't pass my exam, we all know the reason, pretty clear.

Back to study break, it was fun. Jeannette and I had fun pretending we were in Paris; and there was my daily coffee with Sex and The City time (boy I ended up finishing 30 plus episodes in 2 weeks, don't you dare holding this against me);every day I dressed up nicely to library, just to see how neanderthal other people were, with the facial hair and sad faces. People, I cannot stress this enough, looking good on the outside will definitely helps you build up better study spirit and confidence, you only need 10 minutes in the morning to feel better for the rest of the day, it is a good investment in critical time like this. Don't look all pathetic and miserable when you study, your textbooks will never like you, the feeling is mutual.

Ok I am going to enjoy my week before preparing for practical exam and case presentation. Have fun!

We grow up

This is the best part, all the things that you dreamed of becoming, they came true. After surviving/or halfway through this impossible journey of turning into youth, tell yourself you deserve it, all of it. It may not be glorious, but we have tried our best to take whatever we were given, and slowly figured things out. Some people are being extraordinary slow in the process and but it's alright, you'll get there.

Painful? Yes.
Joy? May be.

But a love without pain is the kind of love that doesn't worth having. Hold your courage and expand it, walk out from the cliche, bring yourself back to the origin, the most exciting and challenging of all, the love for yourself.

I only had one post in April

Damn it. But there was so many things to talk about, like my circumcision, or my new bunny, or even my car accident.
Will I get into all those things that I just mentioned? May be, may be not.

In the beginning of my final year I made a decision to change things a little, not because I need material to talk about over reunion dinner with high school friends and steal all the attention to myself, I need to simply change a little.
A good change or a bad change? Honestly I don't think one can justify it.

We change, your breakfast or underwear or facebook profile picture, because we think the new one will suit us more, although it's bound to meet colourful comments from the audience.
Who says it has to be brighter? May be changing into a worse shape will help you tremendously in finding whatever you are looking for in many unexpected ways. Self-improvement is not the only bitch who wants to help alright.

Be arrogant, be an ass, go talk behind people back, bitch slap your bf's ex, it's acceptable.
Be caring, be a helpful person, offer your face when somebody needs to scratch something.

And when we're all done with that, find a stronger direction to morph into, the neutral zone. Because at some point we have to believe the beauty of our flaws, we will always be a partially-broken-not-quite-formed person. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Love is a scar.

Permanent.
Crippling.
ugly.

Almost like a truth that everyone likes to hear, or pretends they want to know, holding a part of it will calm down your ego, reassuring your exhausted soul that you're not left behind.
Now you have whatever everyone has in their fists, you ask yourself, are you happy now?

I always over fabricated my connection with everything, and that depresses me a hell lot more than eating my dinner alone or going to Tesco by myself or waking up at 5am.
Because those are choices, you expect it, or even enjoy it a little. It's the other people that I worry about, it's always the other people that make you question yourself over almost everything.

Oh you stupid boy. You thought you want the same as everyone else.
Think again.

I'm doing fine.

Not really. It’s a little more complicated. But you don't need to be sorry for that. Don't ask me question, continue your stuff, throw your paint on a canvas and call it "art".

Chocolates used to be my pain killer for everything, even when I was not in pain, it calmed me down. We go way back, like when I watched the part where Izzie Stevens had metastatic melanoma, or when Merlin couldn't tell Arthur how helpful he has been, and everytime Doctor Who regenerated. I always get too emotionally involved and chocolate always saved me, like a Brazilian hero, sort of.

But thing has changed, I don't buy chocolate anymore. The last time I was in pain, I pushed myself so hard and got a tattoo.
Now, I've made an appointment for a surgery in Pantai Hospital.
Something about the needle and blood, something about them.

Is it the amount of root canal treatments or extraction that I've done? Or is it the anesthetic effect of that magical needle that always ease my patients and makes me grow fonder of them?

Last week a medical doctor was teaching us how to withdraw blood from vein and he needed a volunteer, I jumped on the chair immediately. I watched closely, not willing to miss any second of it, it's the moment when the needle poked into my skin and then my muscle contracted a little, and finally the sight of my own blood, it was a pleasure. I smiled a little.

Don't worry I'm doing fine, because I offered my other arm when my friend wanted to practise.
(Let me guess, you're thinking I've gone cuckoo and probably in a few years I'll turn into a drug addict, aren't you?)

You know, you don't have to go anywhere you don't feel safe. It doesn't mean you're not a strong person, it doesn't say you're a coward. You are just a person, trying to feel safe.

No good at saying sorry

"You will get over this, you have a bigger heart than you ever give yourself credit for." I replied my bff's text, while still in the line waiting for my turn to order meal.

There are certain types of people in my class, one of them is the "very-(EWWWWWW)-nice person". Parents love them, because this type of people glue fake diamond to their words, everything about them is presentable. They are the main dish in reunion dinner, everybody gets a piece of them before they go home.
These people, their chief characteristic is..nice.

How boring is that.

I thought we outgrew that shit when high school ended. In college, the social hierarchy fades, the old definition of friendship no longer exists, you only become friends with people who are awesome. I don't call everyone in my class "friend", some people simply just stay "classmate" forever (pal,don't take it too personally).

We aren't the happy bubbly kind of person, my bff and I. We are mean, and we love surgery. We are the skinny plate of bloody red chilli on the dining table that only certain people (awesome people) in the restaurant would touch.

But then again, individuality is my thing, what do I know about the other side of the world.